And You Thought Cloverfield Was Scary...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24415128/wid/11915773/

I always knew fakin' n' bakin' was a death sentence.
Girls, you may as well just stay in that tanning bed, and have it double as a casket.
Save your family a whole lot of trouble and dough.

Bandwhaaaaaat?

Ok so at the risk of exposing myself as a total technological dimwit, I pose the question: what is the deal with bandwidth?

What IS it and how do I rationalize it?

I recently moved into a new building on the U of T campus, where internet was included in the monthly rent. Of course, this became a much less alluring selling point once I learned that between my move-in date of May 2nd and Sunday May 4th, I exceeded my weekly alloted bandwidth.
What followed was a correspondence between myself and a faceless IT guy, where he firmly outlined the repercussions for exceeding ones bandwidth. Apparently the first offense is met with a written warning, a get-out-of-jail-card which I have now redeemed, and the second is followed by a 24 hour network cut-off. Kind of like a 24 hour preliminary restraining order, before they issue the real thing.
The IT dude also politely attempted to explain the nature of bits and bytes, and I responded each time with an increasingly sob and guilt-conjuring story describing the various reasons why I cannot live without the internet.

*All of my work is done over the internet, including preparing for upcoming interviews.
* My family lives in Vancouver and I have no landline, so this is the only way I have of keeping in touch with them.
*I have an artificial aorta which is powered purely by bandwidth.

Those types of perfectly normal, perfectly relevant, perfectly rational excuses. Err, reasons. Excusions, basically. Anyway, it turns out the limit in my building, if we're using the miraculously "free" internet that comes included in rent, is 4GB a week. I've been informed that this is equivalent to streaming or downloading ONE movie. Reality check! I watch The Office (US). Religiously. I keep up to date with House. I've recently gotten into Dexter and although there may only be 2 seasons released thus far, it takes a bit of time, and bandwidth so it seems, to watch 2 seasons in 4 days, alright? Take it from me. And don't even get me STARTED on my movie-watching habits.
So, the end result is that I have had put an end to my TV and movie streaming. When my friends send me YouTube links to "the funniest video you will ever see in your entire life", or "the secret to happiness and prosperity" (ok, that one is a virus and I know it, but I'd still like to feel as though I had the OPTION of clicking, if I was dumb enough to do so), I can't view them. My life has become TV-less, and movie-less, and barren. Thank you U of T.
Let me leave you with this striking visual. I have decided that the only way that I can visualize this intangible, arbitrary thing called 'bandwidth' and the fact that I've run out of it, is if I picture a cookie jar. It seems as though what Mr. IT genius is trying to tell me, is that I have eaten MY share of the cookies then reached for my sister's share, and what does he do? He smacks my wrist. And I'm about to lose my cookie privileges altogether! So, I decided to take action. I put on a stern face, and emailed him back immediately. I typed with gusto: "my sister doesn't even LIKE cookies. Plus, my neighbour is away for the summer. May I have her cookies?"
Clever, right? Knowing that I've gotten a handle on this bandwidth business really is a great feeling.
I'll be sure to you know how it all pans out ;)

Check-Ch-Check-Check, Check it Out!

<-----------My current advertising portfolio (mainly print + broadcast)

Politically Incorrect

from Yaletown Magazine, April Issue

This past winter, I spent a fair amount of time back east in Toronto, one of Canada’s frostier cities. It was there that I came to the conclusion that no matter where you are, and no matter how cold it gets, there’s always one idiot girl in a mini skirt, with her legs so red from the biting cold that they appear to be bleeding, and one insane dude in a white t-shirt, parading about like it’s Marrakech in July during a heat wave.

However, I digress so let’s get down to business. I’ve noticed that people—no matter how callous or gentle by nature—always react in the same way when in close proximity with the public transit loonie. Every city, equipped with whatever method of public transport, is frequented by a public transit nutcase. She’s the leathery-faced grandmotherly type with the gap-toothed grin riding the bus, carrying a picnic basket, and trying to touch your arm as she repeats the Lord’s name over and over in vain. Or, it’s the smelly sandpaper-faced gentleman who sloshes Happy Planet on skytrain riders, while yelling all matter of colourful obscenities designed to startle the world into being a more forgiving place.

Every time I bring this up, I am peppered with matter-of-fact reminders that these people are often rejected from institutions before being tossed around by ‘The System’. I know this to be true and empathize, but the fact remains that when a crazy person, no matter how deserving of public assistance, is trying to make physical contact or penetrating my thoughts to tell me outlandish nonsensical stories, it’s both uncomfortable and unwelcome. I don’t think this is an informed or cruel reaction. It’s a human one. I don’t think the solution is to ignore them at all. But whatever the ‘right’ reaction is, everybody proceeds in one of two ways.

The Deaf Half Head Turn

This is where the person who is put in this awkward position opts for an unflattering sort of head tilt, where they turn their head away just enough so as to avoid any eye contact beyond the peripheral, without seeming too rude to listen. It’s somewhere between looking into the speaker’s face and pretending to understand, without actually cutting them off by turning your back to them completely or, worse yet, moving seats. The message is very similar to one that a mother often sends her child: “I won’t give you my full attention so as not to encourage or indulge you. That being said, I can’t take my eyes off you completely in case you do something, well, childlike.” The deaf half head turn is accompanied by either a semi-smile, communicating the message “your craziness amuses me, but not enough for me to try to decode what it is you are raving about”, or the jaw set into a controlled grimace, meaning “can’t you see I’m enjoying my $4 coffee, you crazy old bat?”

The Pleading Patsy

The second reaction is when the victim starts to look around in desperation, attempting to make eye contact with anyone but the person whispering not-so-sweet nothings in their ear. They shift uncomfortably, and then begin with those sitting closest to them. When that fails, they move on to the next row, travelling further and further back with their eyes in a futile effort to find understanding and diversion. Of course, they always come up empty-handed, because every other rider is busy averting their eyes with determined concentration. And so we come full circle. Avoidance begets avoidance and an environment devoid of empathy is just that. Head half turned and looking the other way.

Put Your Chest to the TV Test

Oh my, it has finally happened. That's right ladies and gents, TV's embedded in t-shirts! From what I understand, the new medium is being used solely to broadcast advertisements and branding messages. This was apparently a marketing craze in the U.S which has now been licensed in Canada by a company based in Toronto, called Splash Marketing & Promotions. The sickest part is that they can stick the screen on the front or back of a shirt, a dress, a jacket, whatever!

Not Quite the Olsens...

A couple of weeks ago, my sister happened to be catching a connecting flight at YYZ, on her way to Paris. Not having seen her since Christmas, I jumped on the opportunity. There was much confusion regarding gates and security. I took advantage of the situation to page her name over the loudspeaker ;) However, eventually we were reunited, and this is how we spent our hour together...

All A-Twitter

Ok, word to the wise. All of you techno-phobes and techno trash-talkers, please take note. There is nothing wrong with social networks. They're the very recent past, the present, and the fabulous future. Those who detest Facebook were probably never invited in the first place. Those who think they can avoid Facebook are sadly mistaken. And those who think that Facebook is a thing of the past may be right, but they're also wrong. If Facebook withered and disappeared today, a stronger, more resilient species will have grown in its place by this time tomorrow. I offer up Twitter as a new specimen for study. I'm not saying it's better than Facebook, or that you have to join. But you should probably know what it is. By this time next month, your son or daughter will be on it, your sister, your brother, your mother, your boss. You might find out your girlfriend dumped you yesterday thanks to Twitter. Oh and P.S., she's pregnant, too. All I'm saying is, look into TWITTER, you TWAT. Dig a little. You never know what you might turn up.

N(ifty)Y(ellow)C(ab)

For Easter long weekend, I jetted off to New York City with my long time gal pal Ashley. We stayed in Manhattan in the apartment of a dear high school friend, Dan. There is certainly no shortage of pictures from the event, so enjoy! New York, me love you long time!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gabriellemak/sets
/72157604318866073/show/

Speaking of Cuticle Cream...

Sometimes when someone says something to me and then acts as though they regret having said it, I like to pretend that I didn’t hear them, just to see if they'll repeat it.

Also, I need to find a yellow cardigan.

Sweater Lady

Check this incredible Leslie Hall video. I have the same outfit but unfortunately it's at the cleaners.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8WoyPEVRFo

Beat The Press

from Yaletown Magazine, March issue

Prior to the implementation of a new statutory holiday—Family Day— in several provinces across Canada, Valentine’s Day was the main calendar event to take place each February. On this critically acclaimed - or defamed - day, people go around spreading either sticky, glossy, candy Valentine love, or proclaiming "Happy S.A.D". I too racked my brain to come up with the relation between Seasonal Affective Disorder and the death of a few Roman martyrs whom we now choose to honour with cheap chocolates and mass-produced greeting cards. It turns out that S.A.D. refers to Singles Awareness Day. You weren’t cognizant of this? Enough said.

However, in the heart-strewn, chocolate-stained wake of February 14th, I've been doing a great deal of thinking regarding human behaviours and insecurities. There seem to be common ways in which to deal with situations which make us all, no matter how self-aware or ultra-confident, feel at least slightly uncomfortable or unprepared. I'll proceed to share a couple of examples of these patterns which I myself have witnessed...

The Funky Four Second Glide

Sounds like a throwback dance move, right? Nuh uh. This ain’t no Hand Jive. What I have in mind is the moment of insecurity that grips a person just as they're traipsing out of a cafeteria setting, carrying a tray laden with food. Once they're certain all items are safely balanced on the tray, they tear their eyes away in order to survey the seating area. This is the pivotal moment. Nobody wants to be caught with a heavy tray in hand, feet glued to the floor with uncertainty, mouth dry and faintly ajar, eyes scanning wildly, eyebrows slightly arched in concern. I've isolated my own response to this situation, and have then sat back to observe the scenario play out a follows: a four second scan followed by a brisk, purposeful gait. One after one, people move beyond the register, gaze haphazardly to the left corner of the room (“people seek ME out to sit with!”), then front and center (“I won’t be caught dead searching for THEM!”), and finally to the right (“I don’t have time for this…”). As they look to the right, they motor in that direction without a second glance, every inch the busy cafeteria connoisseur with places to go and people to see. “That’s it. I’m out of here.”

A Saucy Slip of the Tongue

I've noticed that when someone is describing a mutual acquaintance in terms of their personality, they often list the same quality twice. They don’t use the exact same word necessarily, such as “well Sandy is smart and pretty and athletic and smart”, but instead tend to ‘double-describe’ as I like to say, or apply two synonyms to describe the very same trait. When the list they're forming is only 4 or 5 qualities deep, this slip of the tongue is hard to miss.

It happens for one of two reasons. The person offering the portrayal is usually either trying extra hard to say nice things about the person they're describing (or defiling, whichever the case may be), and is perhaps coming up short. Or, they're physically attracted to them. If they aren’t particularly fond of the double-descriptor-victim, they may say something like “the thing about Vince is, he’s really funny and clever and hilarious…but he really can be quite arrogant", conveniently stuffing the padding right at the front, where it’s most obvious to the outside world. They figure that the more nice things they throw in upfront, the more of an edge it will take off once they get to the major fallout, tucked away at the back; the thing they’ve just been itching to address.

The alternative to a lack of fondness is an abundance. A woman may describe a man she knows as follows: “Who Scott? Well, he’s really tall and good-looking…blonde, athletic, attractive…” Attractive, yes, I think at one point you did mention that. Anything else you’d like to share with the class? Further proof of the attraction is the flush, varying in hues, that the speaker adopts once you point out the erroneous and yet candid pattern of their ways.

So how do I find the time to observe all of this? And why is it so readily interpreted by my wandering eye? Sometimes an imaginative use can be found for that which seems useless. That and not every question has an answer.

Is Schick Schlock?

Is anybody else scared to find out how this bloody blade battle will end? How many blades can you really add before it stops being a razor, and you're left with some kind of weapon-of-mass-destruction which oddly resembles a lawnmower??

"Gillette, which first introduced a twin-blade razor in 1971, unveiled the three-blade Mach 3 in 1998; Schick struck back with the four-blade Quattro in 2003; then Gillette responded with the five-blade Fusion in 2005..."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/21/business/media/21adco.html?ref=media

What Does $3 Million Look Like?

A Time Magazine Special: Best & Worst Ads of Super Bowl XLII (according to James Poniewozik, who gives each ad a letter grade).

He sounds Polish so I'm taking his word for it. There are a few grades I take issue with, but in general it's a good snapshot of the ads you should be sorry you missed, as well as the ones you're going to wish you'd seen just the once.

http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1707987_1707995,00.html

Tasteful Quote

Quote worth a giggle, found on the wall of a vegetarian breakfast joint. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

Dateless

My friend Daniel Woodrow is in the Comedy program at Humber Lakeshore. This is a hilarious sketch he wrote, produced, and of course acted in, starring none other than himself--and his foxy look-alike. Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NhyVo_Mvs8