Served With Sauce: Speaking of Cuticle Cream...

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Speaking of Cuticle Cream...

Sometimes when someone says something to me and then acts as though they regret having said it, I like to pretend that I didn’t hear them, just to see if they'll repeat it.

Also, I need to find a yellow cardigan.

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Pearls

"THERE IS NO WRITING, ONLY REWRITING"
john updike, novelist

"WHY GO OUTSIDE IF I CAN'T EVEN BEND OVER?!"
moi

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"
michael scott

"BOY, YOU GET ME HOTTER THAN A STICK OF HOT GLUE. AND I'M SCRAPBOOKING EVERYTHING WE DO."
leslie hall lyrics

"NOBODY READS ADVERTISING. PEOPLE READ WHAT INTERESTS THEM; AND SOMETIMES IT'S AN AD."
howard gossage, "Is There Any Hope for Advertising?"

"EVERYBODY HAS A HATE-ON FOR CELINE DION."
mike collins

"BUSINESS CARDS ARE LIKE PANTS. NOT OVERLY EXCITING, BUT HARD TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THEM."
michelle donnelly, cd at zig inc., toronto

"I'M HALF BULIMIC. LOTS OF BINGING, BUT NO PURGING."
moi

"THAT WAY, YOU CAN LAME MULTIPLE ANIMALS WITH ONE PROJECTILE."
moi, as an alternative to "kill two birds with one stone".

"YOU'RE GIVING ME THE IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME ROUTINE?? I INVENTED IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME! NOBODY TELLS ME IT'S THEM, NOT ME. IF IT'S ANYBODY, IT'S ME!"
george castanza

"I MET THIS LAWYER, WE WENT OUT TO DINNER, I HAD THE LOBSTER BISQUE, WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE, YADA, YADA, YADA, I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN."
"BUT YOU YADA, YADA'D OVER THE BEST PART!"
"NO, I MENTIONED THE BISQUE..."
elaine benes & jerry seinfeld

"EVERYBODY IS AN EX-SOMETHING."
moi

"ONCE UPON A TIME, I HAD BALLS. THEN I CUT THEM OFF AND GAVE THEM TO GABY."
emily pierce

"HE'S CRAZIER THAN THE KIDS I WORK WITH... AND THEY'RE IN JAIL!"
anonymous

Tips of the Ho Hum Trades

Laundry

*To keep dark jeans from fading out and prevent the colour from bleeding, pour some vinegar into the load (in addition to detergent, not as a substitute--that way your clothes won't smell like a 5th grade science experiment).

Cooking

If you're like me, you've opened your kitchen cabinets and discovered items purchased back when the line system was a sufficient predictor for pregnancy tests--people were clever enough pick the correct answer out of only two possible outcomes without the help of digital technology, toasters didn't require cancel buttons--you just flipped up the switch if you got impatient, and...well, you catch my drift.

*If you live in a dry environment, you might open your cabinet tomorrow and find that your granulated sugar has turned to rock. If so, throw in a slice of apple. The moisture leaves the apple and softens up the sugar in a matter of days. In humid areas, the opposite problem tends to occur with salt. Keep the salt from growing damp by adding some grains of rice to your salt shaker.

Horticulture

*Don't hold me to this because I haven't tried it yet, but apparently if you tear open a tea bag, preferably black tea such as English Breakfast, and empty the contents into plant soil, it acts as a fertilizer.

Travel

You're really going to have to bear the old adage "don't knock it 'til you've tried it" in mind while you read the following. Please hold off on the snickering until you've proven it to be true or false.

*I've heard that in order to avoid jetlag, before departing on a long plane ride, you should place your feet on a paper bag. You then cut around the contours of your feet and place the paper silhouettes in the bottoms of your shoes!

Served With Sauce

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Speaking of Cuticle Cream...

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Tips of the Ho Hum Trades

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