Beat The Press

from Yaletown Magazine, March issue

Prior to the implementation of a new statutory holiday—Family Day— in several provinces across Canada, Valentine’s Day was the main calendar event to take place each February. On this critically acclaimed - or defamed - day, people go around spreading either sticky, glossy, candy Valentine love, or proclaiming "Happy S.A.D". I too racked my brain to come up with the relation between Seasonal Affective Disorder and the death of a few Roman martyrs whom we now choose to honour with cheap chocolates and mass-produced greeting cards. It turns out that S.A.D. refers to Singles Awareness Day. You weren’t cognizant of this? Enough said.

However, in the heart-strewn, chocolate-stained wake of February 14th, I've been doing a great deal of thinking regarding human behaviours and insecurities. There seem to be common ways in which to deal with situations which make us all, no matter how self-aware or ultra-confident, feel at least slightly uncomfortable or unprepared. I'll proceed to share a couple of examples of these patterns which I myself have witnessed...

The Funky Four Second Glide

Sounds like a throwback dance move, right? Nuh uh. This ain’t no Hand Jive. What I have in mind is the moment of insecurity that grips a person just as they're traipsing out of a cafeteria setting, carrying a tray laden with food. Once they're certain all items are safely balanced on the tray, they tear their eyes away in order to survey the seating area. This is the pivotal moment. Nobody wants to be caught with a heavy tray in hand, feet glued to the floor with uncertainty, mouth dry and faintly ajar, eyes scanning wildly, eyebrows slightly arched in concern. I've isolated my own response to this situation, and have then sat back to observe the scenario play out a follows: a four second scan followed by a brisk, purposeful gait. One after one, people move beyond the register, gaze haphazardly to the left corner of the room (“people seek ME out to sit with!”), then front and center (“I won’t be caught dead searching for THEM!”), and finally to the right (“I don’t have time for this…”). As they look to the right, they motor in that direction without a second glance, every inch the busy cafeteria connoisseur with places to go and people to see. “That’s it. I’m out of here.”

A Saucy Slip of the Tongue

I've noticed that when someone is describing a mutual acquaintance in terms of their personality, they often list the same quality twice. They don’t use the exact same word necessarily, such as “well Sandy is smart and pretty and athletic and smart”, but instead tend to ‘double-describe’ as I like to say, or apply two synonyms to describe the very same trait. When the list they're forming is only 4 or 5 qualities deep, this slip of the tongue is hard to miss.

It happens for one of two reasons. The person offering the portrayal is usually either trying extra hard to say nice things about the person they're describing (or defiling, whichever the case may be), and is perhaps coming up short. Or, they're physically attracted to them. If they aren’t particularly fond of the double-descriptor-victim, they may say something like “the thing about Vince is, he’s really funny and clever and hilarious…but he really can be quite arrogant", conveniently stuffing the padding right at the front, where it’s most obvious to the outside world. They figure that the more nice things they throw in upfront, the more of an edge it will take off once they get to the major fallout, tucked away at the back; the thing they’ve just been itching to address.

The alternative to a lack of fondness is an abundance. A woman may describe a man she knows as follows: “Who Scott? Well, he’s really tall and good-looking…blonde, athletic, attractive…” Attractive, yes, I think at one point you did mention that. Anything else you’d like to share with the class? Further proof of the attraction is the flush, varying in hues, that the speaker adopts once you point out the erroneous and yet candid pattern of their ways.

So how do I find the time to observe all of this? And why is it so readily interpreted by my wandering eye? Sometimes an imaginative use can be found for that which seems useless. That and not every question has an answer.